Vasocam RapidShare
folders
Get your free software
http://rapidshare.com/users/17NM8L
Password is NissanSunny
My favourite website at the
moment "She's dead..Yahoo!" love it!
http://www.maggiethatcher.com/indexmain.html
There
I was walking through
the 4 Seasons in Mansfield when I saw two local girls walking just in front and
I shouted, " Hey sugar"
One of the girls turned round and I said, " Not you, the other lump."
Three blokes get
caught by Red Indians, an English bloke, a Scottish chap, and an Irishman. The
Red Indian Chief tells them that they must die by use of bow and arrow, but they
each have one request.
The English bloke asks for a sexy blonde who he shags for ten minutes before he
recieves an arrow to the head. The Scottish bloke asks for a bottle of Jack
Daniels, which he swigs straight down, and he recieves an arrow straight to the
head as well. Paddy asks for a bottle of aftershave and he splashes it all over
his body.
The Indian Chief fires his bow and arrow at Paddy but the arrow shoots to the
left, so he fires another arrow but this time it shoots to the right.
The Chief tells Paddy that if he fails to kill him with his third arrow then he
is free to go.
He fires the arrow but it goes straight over Paddy's head.
The Chief says, "you are a free man but, can I ask you, what aftershave you are
wearing?"
Paddy says, "Aramis!"
Zone Alarm 8 after the
update - your old key will no longer work!
New working keygen for 8.0
http://rapidshare.com/files/143797363/ZAKG.rar
Password - darconio
This key is currently
working if you don't want the keygen - 9ec61-aqvg1-m93xg-hfwvei-dqwv40
As an alternative (and it
pains me to say it but this new Norton is rather good!)........Norton Internet
Security is here (fully working, just follow the instructions to the letter!)-
http://rapidshare.com/files/142560689/norton.internet.security.2008.www.warezfreak.org.rar
When I pulled the curtains this
morning and looked out, I thought there must have been a terrible storm last
night. Fences were laying flat, windows were smashed in, rubbish was strewn all
over the place, and the power was out.
Then I remembered................ I live in Mansfield
(I don't really.......just for the
record).
7,000 atheists in the
middle east rioted this week, after a blank sheet of paper was
found on a cartoonist's desk.
Amir Khan last night proved that Muslims don't drink, when he failed to get a
round in.
What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common?
Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.
This test only has one question, but
it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where
you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION
You are in England, York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in
the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water.
Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.
THE TEST
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging
waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful
men!
THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?
A couple has a dog that sleeps in
their bedroom and snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the
vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the
dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah, right!" she thinks.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet
and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with
his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he
stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon
attached to his balls. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's balls.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we
were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"
A man turns up at the hospital
carrying a shoe box under his arm, he goes up to a nurse and opens the box.
Inside is a giant steaming turd. The nurse looks shocked and asks the man why
he's bought the turd. "Because I need to see an optician," he says.
The nurse says, "don`t you mean a dietician?"
"No," says the man, "I need an optician, 'cause every time I do one of these my
eyes start to water."
A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the
plug and explodes... BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards
the heavens, so he starts climbing up.
After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in
white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers. "Excuse
me, sir," he says, "are you Mohammed?"
"No," replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs."
"But this is wonderful news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than St
Peter! I can hardly believe it."
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard
climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene
looking man with long hair and a long white beard. "Excuse me, sir," he says,
"are you Mohammed?"
"No," replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs."
"But this is amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus!
I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard
climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is
another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.
"Excuse me, sir," he says "are you Mohammed?"
"No" replies the old man, "I am God."
"But this is absolutely amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher
than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!"
"You look tired my son," said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?"
"Oh yes," replied the bomber, "I am very tired and would love a rest before I
carry on, thank you."
The bomber sits down and God says, "you look thirsty my son, would you like a
cup of tea?"
"Oh yes, please," replies the bomber, "I am most thirsty, thank you."
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, "Oi, Mohammed, two teas
over here, and make it snappy you w**ker!!"
Every day, at around 11 o'clock,
Salim closes the corner shop and wanders up the road to the indoor market
toilets, carrying a bottle of water.
"What's the bottle of water for?" I asked him.
"In Islamic law, we are not allowed such luxuries as toilet paper," he replied.
"After a shit, we Muslims have to clean ourselves with our bare hands."
"For f**k's sake," said I, "no wonder Abu Hamza's always in a bad mood!"
A chap had an interesting experience
recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.
She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they
were chatting,
she came right out and asked himif he'd ever had a "sportsman's double"
- a mother and daughter threesome.
He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one
last drink,
wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky
night."
So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter
her place, and she
shouts upstairs:
"Mum! You still awake?"
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Winalot dog chews for our dog at Adsa and
was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse at this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but
that I was starting the Winalot diet again although I probably shouldn't,
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot dog chews and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going
to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story).
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.
I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff a Irish Setter's arse and a car
hit us both.
I'd just like to say how sorry I am that Mansfield Town have been relegated from
the Football League. There will be cuts in staff unfortunately and our
photographer snapped one of the "cheerleaders" known as the Stag-ettes
leaving the ground after receiving her redundancy notice!
In order to gain more street cred
and a career lift Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name and the
first syllable of her surname and rebranded herself as J Lo. But I can
understand with his career on the wane that Pete Docherty hasn't done the same
I've been to Autoglass to see
if I can get that big crack in my windscreen fixed!
When I was a kid I thought it was a
good idea to go to a Gary Glitter concert.
I am not sure what came over me.
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon,
hearing confessions...
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession Father, it has been two
weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with
Fanny Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Hail Mary"
The man leaves.
Soon, another man enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last
confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for
the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his
male parishioners...
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys."
The man leaves.
Soon, another man enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since
my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a
week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Fanny Green?
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny
Green woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The
doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead
with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green
hat with a long green feather coming from it.
She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her
knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy
Pssssst. Is that Fanny Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection
off her shoes."
Recently I received a warning E mail about the use of the term, "towel heads"
A politically incorrect term.
Please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words towards the
Muslim community.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to
kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their
heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as
"Little Sheet Heads."
Thank You for your support and compliance on this delicate and important matter.
The next time you find yourself on a
plane or the undergound, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to
you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully
open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit
this link
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
A Muslim walks into a
pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, "you've got one minute to get out
of here before the place blows!"
A tortoise in the back shouts, "you bastard!"
How many Mansfield residents does it
take to change a light bulb?
I'm changing f**k-all, like. Get on the blower to the council and get them to
send some c**t round to change it. Their responsibility, innit. That's what I
get me council tax paid for me for. Get us a Sunny D while you're up.
The next time you ring BT or whoever
and you get some nice polite Indian.. Ask em how the hell can they fix your
faulty phone when you see state of their phone system. Its a miracle you can get
through!
A little old lady answered a knock
on the door to be met by a vacuum cleaner salesman.
"F**k off, I've got no money" she said,
Next thing, he tips a bucket of horse shit on her hallway carpet and says
"If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse shit, madam, I
will eat the remainder".
"Well" she says, "I hope your f**kin hungry, because the electricity was cut off
this morning!"
One morning a man comes into church
on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both
of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest
what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle.
Tell me, where is this man?
'Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water.'
Twenty three people have been found
glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin.
Police believe Irish muslims have set off the first NO MORE NAILS bomb!
Mansfield chap goes to the doctor
and says 'I have a problem. Everytime I masturbate I can't help singing 'COME ON
FOREST!'
Doctor says 'Don't worry, lots of w**kers sing that.'
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop
of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through
the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that
he would
conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the
screening
process After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided
to call
it a day when a lone, armless man approached him announced that he was there to
apply for
the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No
matter,"
said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face,
producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment,
convinced
that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly,
rushing
forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of
the
belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his
side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn
by
the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted
to
let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
wait, not finished yet ...
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to
the
unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his
interviews for
the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your
Excellency,
I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this
very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this
duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother
bent down
to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest
and died
on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second
tragedy, rushed
up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly.
"Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer
for his brother."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a
triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in
one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened"
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom and there was my wife having
sex with my best friend"
The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The guy gulps it down again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your
wife ?"
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her, 'We're through.' 'Pack your
bag's and get out,' I told her!"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
The Nottingham Forest
Dictionary,
A-Aek Athens Opponents in
Europe, Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
B-Back-to-Back Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
C-Cups Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
D-Derby County Bigger than Notts Forest without winning Back-to-Back
European Cups
E-European Cup Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
F-Francis £1m pound player(actually cost £999,999.99p), scored in a final
when Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
G-Germany A place where Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
H-Hamburg a team beaten in a final when Notts Forest won Back-to-Back
European Cups
I-Ajax of Amsterdam semi-final opponents once when Notts Forest won
Back-to-Back European Cups
J-John Robertson Fat winger who scored a winner once when Notts Forest
won Back-to-Back European Cups
K-Koln(FC) Semi-Final opponents once when Notts Forest won Back-to-Back
European Cups
L-Laughter What could be heard all over Derbyshire on 18/5/2007, even
though Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
M-Malmo a team beaten in a final when Notts Forest won Back-to-Back
European Cups
N-Nothing What they achieved since Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European
Cups
O-Optimistic 50,000 seater stadium to be built and full for Champions
League football, because Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
P-Past Where Notts Forest fans live, reminding everyone that Notts Forest
won Back-to-Back European Cups
Q-Quality Been missing since Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
R-Relegated relegated to third tier of football, even though Notts Forest
won Back-to-Back European Cups
S-Shameful Shamefully relegated to third tier of football, even though
Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
T-Tier Unbelievably relegated to third tier of football, the only
European Champions ever to do so even though Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
U-Unable to believe that their favourite manager Brian Clough was
actually a Derby Fan even
though he and Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
V-Value Kids for a quid, all 3 parents FREE, even though Notts Forest won
Back-to-Back European
Cups
W-****censored****
X-Ajax of Amsterdam semi-final opponents once when Notts Forest won
Back-to-Back European Cups
Y-Yesteryear When Notts Forest were good, Notts Forest won Back-to-Back
European Cups
Z- Zzzzzzz
Credits to Mostyn for this...
Yesterday I asked my Grandad if he
could tell me one of his favourite stories "why sure," he said. "one time, I was
hunting rhinoceros in Africa. it was 120 degrees, I was hot and miserable. I was
crouching under this tree, when all of a sudden a lion leapt out from behind the
tree and went 'ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!' and I shit my pants."
"Well, sure," I said, "I would have shit my pants, too, if a lion jumped out
from a tree"
"No," Grandad said. "I mean just now, when I went ROOOOOOOAAAAR!!!!
If you think passengers spending 24 hours at Terminal 5 is bad, I know someone
who was hanging around Paddington Station for 6 days!!
The strangest thing happened to me last night...
I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20
minutes before going back to check on it.
To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray,
food, everything - not a trace.
Last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips...
If brains were dynamite.........
Sometimes wish I'd have thought of that
Have you heard that Asda and MFI are forming a partnership?
Yeah, I just bought a chicken from them - its leg fell off!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the
bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even
looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my
horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted
restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his
horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the
bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The
cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
The Alzheimer's Society have been marching in protest of parliament cutting
their disability benefits this week. They all proudly turned out chanting "WHAT
DO WE WANT?".................."WE DON'T KNOW!"......................
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?".................."WANT WHAT?"
A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist
says "I must say, this is the cleanest fanny I've seen in ages."
"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."
I'm going to write to my MP! These want banning
straight away!!
http://www.nippits.com/
New landing lights proposed for all UK airports
Why men are not agony aunts.........
Dear Neville ,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband
in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the
road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe
my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love
to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and
heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd
carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she
awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting
to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the
past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months
ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of
faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the
inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor
float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Nev
This lad walks into Witherspoons in Mansfield and
orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and
the barman looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are yer... where
yer from, yooth?"
The lad says, "I'm from London."
The bartender asks, "What the kin hell you do in London?"
The lad responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The lad says "I mount animals."
The barman grins and shouts out to the whole pub, "It's OK boys, he's one of
us!"
It was reported last night that Beyonce is in fact the
love child of the
late and great record breakers presenter, Roy Castle.
A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is
pleased by the recent discovery, but will not be taking her newly
discovered father's surname.
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide
to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some
basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down
into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into
the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the
unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They
emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with
camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the
top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and
machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries.
Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of
Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional
crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed
straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a
squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take
this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the
trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed
squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"
Leon Jackson, Robbie Williams and Kylie are on a night
out. They all get pissed and on the way out of a club, Kylie trips over and goes
head first into some railings getting her head stuck. Robbie being a cheeky
monkey decides to lift up Kylies skirt and give her one. When he's finished he
grins at Leon and says "Your turn now mate".
Leon bursts into tears, so Robbie says "What's wrong Jacko ?".
Jackson replies, "I'll never fit my head through those railings".
I've tried to help childless couples by making
anonymous donations of my sperm.
However, I've now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and
not straight through their letterboxes.
Derby striker Craig Fagin has just attempted suicide in despair at his teams
plight . He put a gun in his mouth and shot.
He missed.
Two blokes are walking down a road when they come
across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When
they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they
drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says,
"Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old
concrete block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They
hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see
a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely
touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them,
into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and
say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up
with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer
working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat
belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death
in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is
really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been
moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old concrete block."
I need some advice on what could be a life changing
decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The
usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out
'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always
"Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her
taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car
setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a
taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went
beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I
just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I
decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would
give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It
was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from
Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cheers
How do you know when you are at an Mansfield wedding?
Everyone sits on the same side of the church!
Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an
official vist. He asks the president, "Where is the Shah?"
"What do you mean?" says the president. "There is no Shah. We got rid of the
Shah years ago."
"In that case," says Charles, "I'll have a bath."
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as
a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He
always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second
woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and
slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her
head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the
bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Best Software awards2007 !
As usual at this time of year its
time to hand out the awards....Don't forget to check out the Rapidshare folder
;-)
1
Mixmeister Pro 6 - Still in there
from last year. brilliant music/dj program. (don't try and burn a cd on
Vista...your Cd/dvd drives will vanish never to be seen again! You have to delve
into the registry to fix it!)
http://www.mixmeister.com/
2 Eset Security suite -
(See the Software page) Move over Zonelabs...this is super fast, non intrusive and the best detection system
according to all the reviews.
http://www.nod32.ie/
3
Ashampoo Burning Studio
- An example of how to write great software, easy to use, understand and it
works every time! Burns DVDs rips CD does almost anything Nero does but much
much better!
http://www2.ashampoo.com/webcache/html/1/product_2_1110__.htm
4
The Ultimate Trouble-shooter -
This has got better and better, analyses all programs/processes on your machine
and tells you what good and what's not. I've restored a few poorly machines
quickly and easily with this !
TUT - The
best PC Tuning program and best PC Optimizing tool ever written
And the worst! The ones to avoid!
Microsoft Vista - the most
overblown, annoying and unreliable operating system ever. Its slow, takes
forever to copy files, full of useless crap and its made out of glass, you'll
spend more time fixing the errors than using it! CRAP!!
Vista sucks!!!
VISTA SUCKS!
Mixmeister 7 - Sorry lads, good
software gone bad! Awful to use, over blown and worst of all SLOW! Version 6 is
almost perfect so why change it!
Microsoft Office 2007 - This
again is good software gone bad. Good old Office 2003 does the job, and we are
all used to it so why come up with this pile which is so complex to understand
and use...I read that sales of this are bad, and at the price I'm not surprised!
When Bill Gates died, he went up to
Heaven, where Saint Peter showed
him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a
tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying
the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran
into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I
got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill
overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a
golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to
find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying,
"How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new
cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I
invented the Windows Vista operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"True," Peter replied, "but the Titanic only crashed once."
We are always told we should look
after and keep an eye on our old neighbours. Why should we? My 87 year old
neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she hasn't even taken her newspapers in for two
weeks
Little Johnny walks into his parents
bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow
at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"
A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little
Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right
royal seeing to.
Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so funny when it's your Mum, is it?"
One night Frank is enjoying a pint
of beer in the pub with his friend. "My wife will be on the plane by now!"
"Really?"said his friend, "Where is she off to then?"
"Oh, nowhere,"replied Frank, "I have left her at home taking a couple of inches
off the kitchen door!"
Medical cure from the
1920's........Resulting Nuclear Piles Guaranteed!!
I think its time I made a resolution to be nice to the residents of Mansfield
and the surrounding area....but there are so many boarded-up houses in Kirkby,
that the window cleaner goes round with a Sander. Even the pigeons fly upside
down cos there's nothing worth sh**ing on. so what the hell
Man walks into a shop in Mansfield
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
And as requested "Have you more pics
of Miss Mansfield 1993, you know the one with two arseholes?" Oh Yes
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes to his father saying that he is
really frightened about the forthcoming parachute jump.
A month later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the
parachute jump go, son?"
The son replies, "Well dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door.
My drill sergeant came up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me
that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to 'do me' with his
10-incher!"
Father says, "Well son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first," said the son.
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with death, one blonde
turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or
not!"
Told you they were all Wa*k**s in Mansfield!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yrpKIc4xgA&feature=related
Well not all of em.... !! Apologies to Al and Brian
and the rest!
Not forgetting Ellis T Buford as well?
One of Britsh Telecoms finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that
all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the
rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with
his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward
the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Whilst having sex with the wife last night, she told me to kiss her 'somewhere
dirty'
So I took her to Mansfield.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks
over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful
girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I
finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!"
says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an
erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I
did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul,
"and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you
ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."
A lad from Mansfield was invited to a job interview - surprise, surprise, he was
as excited as hell, because this was a rarity. He told his dad, who told him
that if he wanted to succeed, he should "greet the interviewer warmly and
politely" and "dress smartly". They spent the night helping him prepare.
The next day he turned up to the interview - on time - wearing a smart suit with
an ironed shirt, pressed trousers, and black, polished shoes. His hair was
brushed, he had had a shower in the morning just for this occasion and he had
even taken the trouble to scrub his fingernails. When he met the interviewer, he
said to him, "Good morning; it's nice to meet you, me duck". The interviewer,
after a pause, replied, "Take that baseball cap off."
A paedophile necrophiliac phones his boss and says "I can't come in to work
today"
His boss says "Why not?"
"I'm feeling a little stiff"
A woman runs into the police station crying her eyes out.
"I've been raped by a man from Mansfield!" she sobs.
"How do you know he's from Mansfield?" the officer asks.
"He's my brother"
http://www.adultsheepfinder.com/ Some
crackers on here!
