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The TV show "10 years younger" (the show that makes you look 10 years younger...) are looking for new contestants, but,

"All applicants must be 18 or over"

Now, who the hell would want to look 8??

I was sitting watching the football on the BBC last night, and it said you could get 'interactive' by pressing the red button on the remote. I pressed mine and the telly went off.

I was doing a few laps at the local swimming pool today when the life-guard came up to me and said, "Look mate, you can't drive that f*****g thing in here."

What did the inflatable headmaster say to the inflatable pupil who turned up to the inflatable school with a drawing pin?
"You've let me down, you've let yourself down but most of all you have let your whole school down".

Steven Hawking has neuro-muscular dystrophy. Despite being unable to speak and being confined to a wheelchair, he's written multiple scientific papers, several books on the subjects of applied mathematics, theoretical physics and cosmology. He even found time to write a couple of children's books. He's experienced zero gravity on NASA's "Vomit comet". He even received the OBE for his work. He did all this while he held a full time job as a Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University.
He's achieved so much DESPITE his crippling illness.........

So how is it that the scouser that lives next door to me is able to play football every weekend but is STILL too ill to get a f*****g job?

Teresa Lewis has become the first woman in America to be executed in the last 5 years. Apparently she could have been spared execution if she had an IQ level below 70. Hers was 72.

You have to question the intelligence of someone who passes an IQ test knowing full well that if they do they'll be executed.

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a woman's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." The banker replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrow filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really?" replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
' That will be one Euro please , ' says the barman.
' That's a very fair price, ' replies O'Leary.
' Would you like a glass with that sir? ' asks the barman.

Life is starting to return to normal for the people in Mansfield for the first time in nearly a century now that regular sightings of "the big scary metal dragons in the sky" have suddenly stopped.

Go on Google and type "whos the cutest" then hit "I feel lucky"........................

Overheard at work today:

"I hope the Russians catch those f*****g suicide bombers soon and give the b*****ds what they deserve!"

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

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