Vasocam RapidShare
folder
Get your free software
http://rapidshare.com/users/C7ZCEO
(new updated list)
Password is NissanSunny
Still under
construction.....any requests just ask!
The Uk's newest
Political Party has our full support
http://www.pirateparty.org.uk/
Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of
control.
They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men.
Locals are said to be in a state
of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Mansfield
yesterday.
A spokesman said 'The people of Mansfield had no idea they had a library'.
Since he's been done for driving without a license (Twice),
I'm sure he won't mind if we use his software without a license
Some reporter standing in front of a
devastated city wasteland crying into the mic, telling us how bad it is for the
local poor folk following the latest disaster and the looting and poor
sanitation.
F*****g hell they only lost to f*****g Reading
Bring back Terry Wogan!........... If I had
wanted to wake up to a ginger cock I'd have dyed my pubes.
So it says on MSN a floor collapses in Weight Watchers clinic.
Told them it was a bad idea to open one in Mansfield!
If you were given the
choice between having your head stamped in by a group of chavs, or going down on
Susan Boyle, what shoes would you ask them to wear?
A platoon was marching in
Helmand province when they came upon a Taliban insurgent, badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar
but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was
given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had
happened.
The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming
south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in
the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat,
good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a
cross-dressing power mad idiot.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
lesbian. He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit
us."
Remember
– drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby.
Especially if you’re in Portugal and can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.
I went to
the fish and chips, I asked for fish and chips.
The chap
says " the fish won't be long" I replied " it better be f*****g thick then"
ffujsiuewoucurweuir
Just thought I'd post a few letters before the strike.
Womens' first thought when coming across a skid mark in
the toilet-
"Eeww that's horrible, must get cleaning equipment before I can use this."
Mens' first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet-
"Hmmm, can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"
I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a
letter to London Zoo;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses."
I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese."
Nope, that still didn't sound right;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi."
Ahh f**k it I thought,
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.
P.S. Send me another one."
About a year ago I remember my wife saying we need to
discuss the future...
"F*****g hell its going to be amazing, with flying cars and robots." I replied
I now live alone and single.
Dyslexia certainly hasn't dented my mate's confidence.
Just the other day, he went to see Lennox Lewis at a book signing, and he
reckons he managed to take him down with just one punch.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss
This was mine, her name was Sally & she lived next door, my best friend, well
for all of that summer.
So out playing one day down by the farm, we’d stopped for shelter from a shower
of rain in an old barn.
I was playfully running my fingers through sally’s hair when she started to kiss
me, her mouth slightly open I could feel her tongue with mine.
It was my first real kiss, and I loved it.
I fell head over heels in love that day.
We often visited the barn during that long hot summer & it didn’t stop at just
kissing, but sadly a couple of months later Sally was involved in a car accident
and had to be put down.
For Halloween I'm going to wear a Pacman suit and chase Muslim women in
Burkas around the town centre.
I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me
yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin
into her crack.
She hasn't even got a car.
I saw a french footballer playing on a Nintendo earlier.
It was Thierry on Wii.
As a chap is walking around Mansfield taking in the
sights he notices an old lady sitting on her front step. He says, “I couldn’t
help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy
life?”
"Well" she says “I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and before I go to bed I
smoke a nice big joint. Also, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every
night, and I only ever eat junk food. Apart from that, at weekends I pop a huge
number of pills and do no exercise at all.”
“This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!”, says the man “How old are you?”
“Twenty four next birthday" she replies.
I read somewhere that, if you get stung by a jellyfish,
the best thing to do is piss on it.
I was on the beach last week, and a jellyfish stung my leg. So I pissed on it.
That ought to teach the little b*****d.
So theres these two gays in Mansfield town centre and
one looked puzzled at the other and said; "This isn't what I meant by take me in
the sh**hole!"
If you can legally have sex when you're 16, but you
can't watch porn until you're 18, shouldn't 16-17 year olds be having sex
blindfolded?
I had some skin grafts on my hands last month but since
then I've not been able to connect my DVD to my TV.
The doctor says it's probably down to the scart issue.
The phone rings in the Australian Cricket Team's
changing room.
"G'day. Could I speak to Ricky Ponting, please?"
"Aww, look, sorry mate, he's just gone out to bat."
"Oh, that's alright, mate. I'll hang on."
http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html
A very useful tool for any
parent!
Enid Blyton's Famous Five book are being re-written to
make them appeal to today's teenagers.
So expect to see Five Get Knifed In Streatham, Five Get
A DNA Test To See Which One's The Daddy and Five Give The Teacher So Much Lip
That He Clobbers The Little B*****D
Two dinosaurs are walking along when they see a shemale.
The first dinosaur says, "Do you think that tranny saw us, Rex?"
A little girl
goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a cake
while her dad gets a haircut.
Barber smiles at her and says: "You're gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old b*****d!"
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, in their own different ways, helped young
boys masturbate for years!
What's got 8 legs and doesn't rape children?
The Jackson 4.
What will all the little dyslexic
children do at Christmas now that Setanta is dead?
I was talking to my mate before and
we got onto the subject of politics. We started talking about Gordon Brown, and
he said to me, "Gordon Brown is a typical fence-post tortoise."
Not being familiar with the term, I asked what it meant, to which he answered,
"when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with
a tortoise balanced on top, thats called a fence-post tortoise."
Still with a puzzled look on my face, he continued to explain, "You know he
didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he
doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what
kind of idiot put him up there in the first place."
The RSPCA is criticizing President
Obama for killing a fly.
Meanwhile today, a fly buzzing around Gordon Brown took his own life.
Dear Mrs. Thatcher, my medical
advise is for you to take a mud-bath, three times a week.
It won't do anything for your broken arm but at least your body can get used to
the soil.
http://www.maggiethatcher.com/
Two blokes came knocking at my door
once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he
done now?"
Microsoft recently announced that
they're releasing Windows 7 in Europe without an internet browser and users will
have to download and install one for themselves.
Is it just me who can see the obvious problem?
My dyslexic friend has just had his
lobe accidentally chopped off.
It was the end of an era.
I was on the bus when I suddenly
realized ... I have to fart.
The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of
songs, I started to feel really better as I approached my stop.
As I was leaving the bus, people were really staring me down, and that's when I
remembered: I've been listening to my ipod.
You're a victim of counterfeit
software........
A new validation from Microsoft may mean
your version of WindowsXP pro and probably Office is displaying the aforementioned warning
Don't worry, download this file and follow
the included instructions.............
It will cure your problem!
http://rs735tg.rapidshare.com/files/227855203/RockXP4.zip
And for you long suffering Vista users (all
versions) , this will validate and make your copy genuine
http://rapidshare.com/files/232937736/VISTA.exe
(This takes a little time to work..be patient!) But it does
the job.
Finally for those of you who want to make your
copy of Microsoft Office Kosher
Here are instructions for both Office 2003
and 2007.
http://rapidshare.com/files/229459927/Make_Office_2003_2007_genuine.zip
NEWSFLASH: BT to cut 15,000 posts over the next year
......How will all the wires stay up?
Its really getting tough out there......
I just got a letter from Readers Digest saying I had
not been included in this months prize draw.
A pretty young Gypsy girl knocked on my door asking if
I had any old clothing.
I said yes but what would I get in return?
She said I could play with her breasts for a while.
Seemed fair, tit for tat...
A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to
minus 273 degrees Celsius.
My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.
I was driving through Mansfield the other day when I
spotted this banner draped on one of the traffic islands. It said "HAPPY 30TH
BIRTHDAY GRANDMA".
Top tip:
For a more realistic phoning experience, place your handset between the cheeks
of your arse for twenty minutes and then phone BT. If you close your eyes you
could almost be in the same room.
A Quick thought.......A few people have Swine flu and
everyone starts wearing masks.
Millions of people have AIDs and no one wears condoms
Urgent
If you're still running your broadband router on its
default settings, now would be a very good time to change.
CNet, citing an entry on SecureComputing's TrustedSource blog made last week,
has highlighted a new variant of the DNSChanger trojan designed to target
routers and change the addresses used for DNS resolution.
The Domain Name Service, or DNS, is the system by which plain-text names like
Vasocam.co.uk are converted to IP addresses like 91.198.165.67. A computer
wishing to visit a website queries a central server, often hosted by your ISP,
which contains a massive database of these translations in order to figure out
where to go. By reconfiguring the router to point at compromised servers
containing poisoned DNS records, a hacker is able to cause every host on that
network to think it's visiting one site when it's actually browser one under the
cracker's control. You might think you're visiting your bank's website, but it's
really a phishing system run by the attacker.
The trojan accomplishes the router reconfiguration by attempting a dictionary
attack on the router's management interface. Shipping with a preconfigured list
of default logins for common home and office routers, the trojan attempts a
login on the default gateway IP for the infected host every hundred
milliseconds. Although the malware only knows about a set number of common
devices – the fact that each manufacturer tends towards its own, custom-built
web interface rather than an industry standard is acting in the customers'
favour for a change – that's no comfort if yours in on the list, nor does it
preclude the release of a future variant with a more robust list of vulnerable
systems.
Symptoms of this are........
All updates for anti virus ,malware and windows updates will fail to connect to
their update servers.
All web searches done via IE, Opera or Firefox returns the normal search result
but on following the links provided they take you to the wrong sites and advert
popup crap.
Search lists will show lots of trash finds above known sites and before showing
such sites as google.com and facebook ect ect.
I've come across the first instance of this today.
So Change your router login/password now, keep your
Antivirus up to date and use anti malware software regularly
I've told you! Especially those of you still using
that crappy BT home hub.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the
other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forribl huckers; they had
fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not
let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six
dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnligh otherwise, there
would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the
clock struck twelve.
"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse
over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the
sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in
the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his
life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
Those Somali Pirates must feel they've finally hit rock bottom,
surrendering to the French...
A family are driving behind a bin lorry when a dildo
flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and
says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a
cock like that."
According to newspaper reports, Margaret Thatcher's
dementia is so bad, she has to be reminded of her husband's death every day.
Which is a co-incidence because, when she dies, I would like to be reminded of
it just as much.
Gareth Gates had to cancel his planned comeback concert in Chester tonight.
He got in a taxi to go to the gig but unfortunately he ended up in Chichester.
Ultimate phone prank
1. Call the childline number and say 'i've just dialed 1471 and this number came
up, who is this?'
2. Operator replies 'you're through to childline'
3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE C**T, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE
B******D''. before hanging up the phone
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by
plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his
passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked,
sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport
ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in
France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June
1944, and I couldn't find any f*****g Frenchmen to show it to."
Suicide bombers have today attacked Mansfield town centre. Early estimates
suggest they may have caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.
Last year when the Josef Fritzl case hit the news, news paper headlines all
over the world were full of the same words " incest, rape, murder" the newspaper
headline in the Mansfield "Chad" read " Austrian man fathers 7 beautiful
children"
Jade Goody – A Biography (taken from the News of The
World)
1. She faced court action over thousands of pounds of unpaid rent.
2. Just hours after arriving (on Big Brother), she had flashed one of her boobs
and left viewers stunned with a torrent of foul language.
3. Jade was a figure of ridicule. She was branded a “pig”, two-faced and
ignorant. Rival contestants labelled her “thick” and “ugly”.
4. Viewers switched on to watch tipsy Jade strip off during a drinking game to
flash her “kebab”.
5. She thought East Anglia was called East Angular, and that it was somewhere
near Tunisia. And she reckoned Rio de Janeiro was a person.
6. Jade kept trotting out the clangers . . . Mona Lisa was painted by
“Pistachio”, Mother Teresa was from Germany, Portugal was “in Spain” and “Saddam
Hussein was a boxer”.
7. Jade put it best herself when she confessed: “I may not be the sharpest tool
in the sandwich box.”
8. “If I hadn’t made it on Big Brother I would probably have been living in a
council flat with my mum.”
9. Lapping up the publicity, she once told a reporter she planned to dedicate a
room in her house to all her front-page covers.
10. She started dating Jack Tweed. Jade had spotted him in a nightclub before,
but had no idea he was six years her junior. She was smitten from the start, and
the couple had sex on their first date at London’s Sanderson Hotel.
11. Their romance was to be played out in the full glare of the public when they
both went into the Celebrity Big Brother house in 2007—joined by Jade’s mum
Jackiey. But the programme that made Jade almost broke her this time as she
became embroiled in a race row with Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty. She ranted at
the actress: “You’re not some princess in f*****g Neverland. I don’t give a
s**t. You’re a normal housemate like everybody else. You need to come to terms
with that.” She added: “Go back to the slums and find out what real life is
about lady.”
12. Later Jade confessed she wanted to headbutt the Indian actress and branded
her “Shilpa Poppadom”.
13. Jade’s popularity nosedived overnight and Ofcom received a staggering 45,000
complaints. Her perfume was removed from the shelves and her autobiography
dropped by publishers.
14. She then contracted cancer and turned out to be a f**king saint.
AN APOLOGY.
I would like to make the following statement:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central
message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making any claim that
it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there- I said it.
Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
Sony's latest gizmo....
http://fliiby.com/file/259679/m9efgepprl.html
I went on the most pointless journey
of my life the other day.
It was on a mystery tour with a bus load of clairvoyants.
10 useful insulting descriptions for
a women:
1. She's seen more helmets than Hitler;
2. Got a fanny like a badly packed kebab;
3. Face like a painters radio;
4. Her fanny's like a hippos yawn;
5. Been shot over more times than Baghdad;
6. Handled more balls than David James;
7. Got piss flaps like a gutted trout;
8. Seen more stiffs than Quincy;
9. Been cocked more times than John Waynes' shotgun;
10. Even the tide wouldn't take her out.
Here's a tip for you:
When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put
a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning,
take it off again.
This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's
love, and come back.
What's (buffering 21%) the
(buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering
100%) hard-on?
A
large company hired a new Chief Executive Officer to rid the company of all
slackers. On a tour of the firm's headquarters, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on
a wall with his hands in his pockets. The room was full of workers and he wanted
to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do
you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make £300 a
week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy £1200 in cash and screamed, "Here's a months pay.
Now Fuck Off and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy bastard did around here?"
From across the room an employee shouted, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
The worlds Crappiest AV system
This unfortunate system
has spent Christmas next to the world's crappiest Christmas Tree!
Despite having a new LCD
TV and SKY digital, it has more snow than Mount Everest and makes U-Tube look
like HDTV.
A bloke bumped in to me on the bus
the other day and said, "remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "remember Leonardo
Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and
said, "remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "that's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything
about the man.
I said, "yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio"
The strange thing about Ronaldo's
car crash is that, even though he only slightly injured his leg in the accident,
he rolled out of the car clutching his head.
A new middle east crisis erupted
last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The
Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would
not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do"
A vicar gets on a train. In his
carriage is a group of five fine looking young ladies. To break the ice, the
vicar offers round his bag of Werther's Original and then asks, "So, what do you
young ladies do?"
"We do panto. We are currently starring in Dick Whittington!" reply the girls.
"That's fabulous. Which parts do you take?"
The first lady says, "I take the part of the cat."
The second lady continues, "I take the part of Buttons."
"Really?" asks the vicar. "Who takes Dick?"
"We all do!" says the third girl, "but it'll cost you a lot more than a
Werther's Original!"
Since my lovely old gran turned
senile, all she does all day is just stare through the window.
I suppose one day I'll get round to letting her come in.
I was at the bar the other night
standing next to a woman when she said, "I love the strong silent type".
"You mean me?" I replied.
"No" she said, "Farts, like the one I've just done".
I was playing Yahtzee against the Grim Reaper the other day......
Talk about dicing with death!!
I went to see a sick friend in hospital earlier...
I found him in the morgue masturbating.
My new Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a blow-job.
I don’t know whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport..........
I did some odd jobs around the house today.
I vacuumed the ceiling, painted the oven and built a new door-way.
I've just shagged a bird who is pregnant.
It just felt wrong, like putting petrol in a car someone else has crashed.
My uncle was crushed by a piano.
His funeral was very low key.
Some images to remember from 2008.........................
Jesse Jackson on US election night. Amy Winehouse still
upright!
And the funniest!
Just Brilliant!
Both of them!
Derby Vs Forest 2nd Nov 2008
Oh those wonderful
mansfieldonians are still at it !
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/7804354.stm
50 things a woman can't do..
1. Know anything about a car except its colour
2. Understand a film plot
3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message
4. Lift
5. Throw
6. Run
7. Park
8. Fart
9. Read a map
10. Rob a bank
11. Resist Ikea
12. Sit still
13. Tell a joke
14. Play pool
15. Pay for dinner
16. Eat a kebab whilst walking
17. Pee out of a train window
18. Argue without shouting
19. Get told off without crying
20. Understand fruit machines
21. Walk past a shoe shop
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich
23. Not comment on strangers clothes
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper
25. Let you sleep with a hangover
26. Drink a pint gracefully
27. Get a round in
28. Throw a punch
29. Do magic
30. Like your friends
31. Enjoy porn
32. Eat a really hot curry
33. Get to the point
34. Buy plain envelopes
35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. Go shopping without phoning 20 mates
38. Avoid credit card debt
39. Dive into a pool
40. Assemble furniture
41. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb
42. Set a video recorder
43. Not try and change you
44. Watch a war film
45. Understand why flirting results in violence
46. Spend a day by themselves
47. Go to the toilet by themselves
48. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket
49. Choose a video quickly
50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above
And now Vasocam proudly presents
THE WORLD'S CRAPPIEST
CHRISTMAS TREE
Magnificent isn't it?, kept in a loft
decorated all year round this miserable specimen is dragged out year in year
out!
If you know of a crappier one send a
picture to Vasocam@vasocam.co.uk
Can someone explain this?
If you're from Poland you're a Pole,
and if you're from Greece you're a Greek,
Also if you're from Turkey you're a Turk,
If you're from Sweden you're a Swede,
and when you're from Afghanistan you're an Afghan,
So how come its considered offensive to call someone from Pakistan a "Paki"?
What's worse than sitting
on Santa's lap and he gets an erection?
When he stands up and you don't fall off.
Archaelogists have just
found an ancient book that had been lost for years in Donegal.
It's called 'Traditional irish Dancing part 2, What to do with your arms.'
Two elderly women were
eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny
about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in
your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then
she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my
hearing aid is."
A little bit of Monica on
the floor...
A little bit of Jessica on the steps....
mumbai No 5.
My favourite website at the
moment "She's dead..Yahoo!" love it!
http://www.maggiethatcher.com/indexmain.html
There
I was walking through
the 4 Seasons in Mansfield when I saw two local girls walking just in front and
I shouted, " Hey sugar"
One of the girls turned round and I said, " Not you, the other lump."
Three blokes get
caught by Red Indians, an English bloke, a Scottish chap, and an Irishman. The
Red Indian Chief tells them that they must die by use of bow and arrow, but they
each have one request.
The English bloke asks for a sexy blonde who he shags for ten minutes before he
recieves an arrow to the head. The Scottish bloke asks for a bottle of Jack
Daniels, which he swigs straight down, and he recieves an arrow straight to the
head as well. Paddy asks for a bottle of aftershave and he splashes it all over
his body.
The Indian Chief fires his bow and arrow at Paddy but the arrow shoots to the
left, so he fires another arrow but this time it shoots to the right.
The Chief tells Paddy that if he fails to kill him with his third arrow then he
is free to go.
He fires the arrow but it goes straight over Paddy's head.
The Chief says, "you are a free man but, can I ask you, what aftershave you are
wearing?"
Paddy says, "Aramis!"
Zone Alarm 8 after the
update - your old key will no longer work!
New working keygen for 8.0
http://rapidshare.com/files/143797363/ZAKG.rar
Password - darconio
This key is currently
working if you don't want the keygen - 9ec61-aqvg1-m93xg-hfwvei-dqwv40
As an alternative (and it
pains me to say it but this new Norton is rather good!)........Norton Internet
Security is here (fully working, just follow the instructions to the letter!)-
http://rapidshare.com/files/142560689/norton.internet.security.2008.www.warezfreak.org.rar
When I pulled the curtains this
morning and looked out, I thought there must have been a terrible storm last
night. Fences were laying flat, windows were smashed in, rubbish was strewn all
over the place, and the power was out.
Then I remembered................ I live in Mansfield
(I don't really.......just for the
record).
7,000 atheists in the
middle east rioted this week, after a blank sheet of paper was
found on a cartoonist's desk.
Amir Khan last night proved that Muslims don't drink, when he failed to get a
round in.
What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common?
Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.
This test only has one question, but
it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where
you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION
You are in England, York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in
the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water.
Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.
THE TEST
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging
waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful
men!
THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?
A couple has a dog that sleeps in
their bedroom and snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the
vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the
dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah, right!" she thinks.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet
and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with
his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he
stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon
attached to his balls. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's balls.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we
were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"
A man turns up at the hospital
carrying a shoe box under his arm, he goes up to a nurse and opens the box.
Inside is a giant steaming turd. The nurse looks shocked and asks the man why
he's bought the turd. "Because I need to see an optician," he says.
The nurse says, "don`t you mean a dietician?"
"No," says the man, "I need an optician, 'cause every time I do one of these my
eyes start to water."
A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the
plug and explodes... BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards
the heavens, so he starts climbing up.
After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in
white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers. "Excuse
me, sir," he says, "are you Mohammed?"
"No," replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs."
"But this is wonderful news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than St
Peter! I can hardly believe it."
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard
climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene
looking man with long hair and a long white beard. "Excuse me, sir," he says,
"are you Mohammed?"
"No," replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs."
"But this is amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus!
I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard
climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is
another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.
"Excuse me, sir," he says "are you Mohammed?"
"No" replies the old man, "I am God."
"But this is absolutely amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher
than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!"
"You look tired my son," said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?"
"Oh yes," replied the bomber, "I am very tired and would love a rest before I
carry on, thank you."
The bomber sits down and God says, "you look thirsty my son, would you like a
cup of tea?"
"Oh yes, please," replies the bomber, "I am most thirsty, thank you."
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, "Oi, Mohammed, two teas
over here, and make it snappy you w**ker!!"
Every day, at around 11 o'clock,
Salim closes the corner shop and wanders up the road to the indoor market
toilets, carrying a bottle of water.
"What's the bottle of water for?" I asked him.
"In Islamic law, we are not allowed such luxuries as toilet paper," he replied.
"After a shit, we Muslims have to clean ourselves with our bare hands."
"For f**k's sake," said I, "no wonder Abu Hamza's always in a bad mood!"
A chap had an interesting experience
recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.
She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they
were chatting,
she came right out and asked himif he'd ever had a "sportsman's double"
- a mother and daughter threesome.
He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one
last drink,
wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky
night."
So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter
her place, and she
shouts upstairs:
"Mum! You still awake?"
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Winalot dog chews for our dog at Adsa and
was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse at this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but
that I was starting the Winalot diet again although I probably shouldn't,
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot dog chews and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going
to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story).
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.
I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff a Irish Setter's arse and a car
hit us both.
I'd just like to say how sorry I am that Mansfield Town have been relegated from
the Football League. There will be cuts in staff unfortunately and our
photographer snapped one of the "cheerleaders" known as the Stag-ettes
leaving the ground after receiving her redundancy notice!
In order to gain more street cred
and a career lift Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name and the
first syllable of her surname and rebranded herself as J Lo. But I can
understand with his career on the wane that Pete Docherty hasn't done the same
I've been to Autoglass to see
if I can get that big crack in my windscreen fixed!
When I was a kid I thought it was a
good idea to go to a Gary Glitter concert.
I am not sure what came over me.
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon,
hearing confessions...
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession Father, it has been two
weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with
Fanny Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Hail Mary"
The man leaves.
Soon, another man enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last
confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for
the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his
male parishioners...
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys."
The man leaves.
Soon, another man enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since
my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a
week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Fanny Green?
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny
Green woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The
doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead
with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green
hat with a long green feather coming from it.
She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her
knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy
Pssssst. Is that Fanny Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection
off her shoes."
Recently I received a warning E mail about the use of the term, "towel heads"
A politically incorrect term.
Please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words towards the
Muslim community.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to
kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their
heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as
"Little Sheet Heads."
Thank You for your support and compliance on this delicate and important matter.
The next time you find yourself on a
plane or the undergound, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to
you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully
open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit
this link
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
A Muslim walks into a
pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, "you've got one minute to get out
of here before the place blows!"
A tortoise in the back shouts, "you bastard!"
How many Mansfield residents does it
take to change a light bulb?
I'm changing f**k-all, like. Get on the blower to the council and get them to
send some c**t round to change it. Their responsibility, innit. That's what I
get me council tax paid for me for. Get us a Sunny D while you're up.
The next time you ring BT or whoever
and you get some nice polite Indian.. Ask em how the hell can they fix your
faulty phone when you see state of their phone system. Its a miracle you can get
through!
A little old lady answered a knock
on the door to be met by a vacuum cleaner salesman.
"F**k off, I've got no money" she said,
Next thing, he tips a bucket of horse shit on her hallway carpet and says
"If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse shit, madam, I
will eat the remainder".
"Well" she says, "I hope your f**kin hungry, because the electricity was cut off
this morning!"
One morning a man comes into church
on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both
of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest
what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle.
Tell me, where is this man?
'Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water.'
Twenty three people have been found
glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin.
Police believe Irish muslims have set off the first NO MORE NAILS bomb!
Mansfield chap goes to the doctor
and says 'I have a problem. Everytime I masturbate I can't help singing 'COME ON
FOREST!'
Doctor says 'Don't worry, lots of w**kers sing that.'
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop
of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through
the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that
he would
conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the
screening
process After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided
to call
it a day when a lone, armless man approached him announced that he was there to
apply for
the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No
matter,"
said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face,
producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment,
convinced
that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly,
rushing
forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of
the
belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his
side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn
by
the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted
to
let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
wait, not finished yet ...
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to
the
unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his
interviews for
the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your
Excellency,
I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this
very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this
duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother
bent down
to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest
and died
on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second
tragedy, rushed
up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly.
"Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer
for his brother."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a
triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in
one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened"
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom and there was my wife having
sex with my best friend"
The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The guy gulps it down again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your
wife ?"
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her, 'We're through.' 'Pack your
bag's and get out,' I told her!"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
The Nottingham Forest
Dictionary,
A-Aek Athens Opponents in
Europe, Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
B-Back-to-Back Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
C-Cups Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
D-Derby County Bigger than Notts Forest without winning Back-to-Back
European Cups
E-European Cup Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
F-Francis £1m pound player(actually cost £999,999.99p), scored in a final
when Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
G-Germany A place where Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
H-Hamburg a team beaten in a final when Notts Forest won Back-to-Back
European Cups
I-Ajax of Amsterdam semi-final opponents once when Notts Forest won
Back-to-Back European Cups
J-John Robertson Fat winger who scored a winner once when Notts Forest
won Back-to-Back European Cups
K-Koln(FC) Semi-Final opponents once when Notts Forest won Back-to-Back
European Cups
L-Laughter What could be heard all over Derbyshire on 18/5/2007, even
though Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
M-Malmo a team beaten in a final when Notts Forest won Back-to-Back
European Cups
N-Nothing What they achieved since Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European
Cups
O-Optimistic 50,000 seater stadium to be built and full for Champions
League football, because Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
P-Past Where Notts Forest fans live, reminding everyone that Notts Forest
won Back-to-Back European Cups
Q-Quality Been missing since Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
R-Relegated relegated to third tier of football, even though Notts Forest
won Back-to-Back European Cups
S-Shameful Shamefully relegated to third tier of football, even though
Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
T-Tier Unbelievably relegated to third tier of football, the only
European Champions ever to do so even though Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
U-Unable to believe that their favourite manager Brian Clough was
actually a Derby Fan even
though he and Notts Forest won Back-to-Back European Cups
V-Value Kids for a quid, all 3 parents FREE, even though Notts Forest won
Back-to-Back European
Cups
W-****censored****
X-Ajax of Amsterdam semi-final opponents once when Notts Forest won
Back-to-Back European Cups
Y-Yesteryear When Notts Forest were good, Notts Forest won Back-to-Back
European Cups
Z- Zzzzzzz
Credits to Mostyn for this...
Yesterday I asked my Grandad if he
could tell me one of his favourite stories "why sure," he said. "one time, I was
hunting rhinoceros in Africa. it was 120 degrees, I was hot and miserable. I was
crouching under this tree, when all of a sudden a lion leapt out from behind the
tree and went 'ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!' and I shit my pants."
"Well, sure," I said, "I would have shit my pants, too, if a lion jumped out
from a tree"
"No," Grandad said. "I mean just now, when I went ROOOOOOOAAAAR!!!!
The strangest thing happened to me last night...
I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20
minutes before going back to check on it.
To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray,
food, everything - not a trace.
Last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips...
If brains were dynamite.........
Sometimes wish I'd have thought of that
Have you heard that Asda and MFI are forming a partnership?
Yeah, I just bought a chicken from them - its leg fell off!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the
bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even
looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my
horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted
restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his
horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the
bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The
cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
The Alzheimer's Society have been marching in protest of parliament cutting
their disability benefits this week. They all proudly turned out chanting "WHAT
DO WE WANT?".................."WE DON'T KNOW!"......................
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?".................."WANT WHAT?"
A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist
says "I must say, this is the cleanest fanny I've seen in ages."
"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."
I'm going to write to my MP! These want banning
straight away!!
http://www.nippits.com/
Why men are not agony aunts.........
Dear Neville ,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband
in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the
road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe
my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love
to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and
heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd
carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she
awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting
to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the
past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months
ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of
faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the
inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor
float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Nev
This lad walks into Witherspoons in Mansfield and
orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and
the barman looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are yer... where
yer from, yooth?"
The lad says, "I'm from London."
The bartender asks, "What the kin hell you do in London?"
The lad responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The lad says "I mount animals."
The barman grins and shouts out to the whole pub, "It's OK boys, he's one of
us!"
It was reported last night that Beyonce is in fact the
love child of the
late and great record breakers presenter, Roy Castle.
A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is
pleased by the recent discovery, but will not be taking her newly
discovered father's surname.
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide
to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some
basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down
into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into
the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the
unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They
emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with
camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the
top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and
machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries.
Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of
Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional
crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed
straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a
squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take
this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the
trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed
squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"
Leon Jackson, Robbie Williams and Kylie are on a night
out. They all get pissed and on the way out of a club, Kylie trips over and goes
head first into some railings getting her head stuck. Robbie being a cheeky
monkey decides to lift up Kylies skirt and give her one. When he's finished he
grins at Leon and says "Your turn now mate".
Leon bursts into tears, so Robbie says "What's wrong Jacko ?".
Jackson replies, "I'll never fit my head through those railings".
I've tried to help childless couples by making
anonymous donations of my sperm.
However, I've now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and
not straight through their letterboxes.
Two blokes are walking down a road when they come
across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When
they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they
drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says,
"Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old
concrete block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They
hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see
a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely
touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them,
into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and
say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up
with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer
working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat
belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death
in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is
really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been
moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old concrete block."
I need some advice on what could be a life changing
decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The
usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out
'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always
"Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her
taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car
setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a
taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went
beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I
just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I
decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would
give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It
was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from
Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cheers
How do you know when you are at an Mansfield wedding?
Everyone sits on the same side of the church!
Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an
official vist. He asks the president, "Where is the Shah?"
"What do you mean?" says the president. "There is no Shah. We got rid of the
Shah years ago."
"In that case," says Charles, "I'll have a bath."
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as
a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He
always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second
woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and
slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her
head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the
bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
